Who I use to be
by Childe of Satan
Summary: McShep. Chapter 2 added. John isn't handling Rodney's amnesia well.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Who I use to be

Category: Angst, Slash (MCSHEP) H/C Suicidal thoughts(no actual suicide) WIP

Rating: M

Summary: After an accident, Rodney loses his memories.

Notes: This is a complete rewrite to If you love me, let me go. I know it wasn't very good, but It has potential and I am using this fic to max that out.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of anything to do with Stargate Atlantis. NO harm meant toward the actors, writers nor the show itself. No harm meant toward Evanescence for use of her lyrics. Remember:: Fake. Not real. Enjoy!

SGASGA

Johns POV

Life is such turmoil, sometimes I think I want just want to put a quick end to it.

I wonder if the pain really does go away when you seize to exist in this physical realm. I've read, I've seen and I've known others that have taken that as a permanent escape from living a life they just can't take a hold of any longer. But, I still wonder?! When that blade hits your skin, or when those pills flow down your throat, or even when that bullet leaves your gun . . . Is that the end of the anguish? Does the emotional distress finally come to an end? Or are you lost in oblivion. Lost in the sorrows of what went wrong, and/or what could have been. Is there really a god? Is there such a thing as hell? Is there a life ever after?! So many things to ponder that I really can't grasp my head around it. I'm lost in this world, all alone and have no idea if I'll ever find my way out.

Only memories are what I have what was once was. We were so good at hiding the truth, holding back those feelings from the outside world that even our dearest friends never knew.

I love him, Truly, deeply, madly. I loved him with ever fiber of my soul. Would swim the waters of Atlantis for as long as he wished? Anything he asked, I wouldn't hesitate. Yes, I say that now: But, I do believe if he ever asked anything beyond of my own strength, I would find a way to complete it. Just to see him smile, would be worth any amount of hardships on my part. His smile: I love his smile. It's such a rare treat for others, but it's something I would never take for granted if given the chance again.

Oh, god I ache.. My heart aches that he's gone. .

I miss him so much, I just want to go and drag him back with me.

Forget what the Doctors say.

Forget what Elizabeth says.

Forget what Rodney himself might say.

I know I can make him remember! They didn't give me enough time with him. They rarely gave us a moment alone, so how was I suppose to make him remember me?!

Remember us?!

Review On the right track on trash it?

Preview: possibly for chapter two

If he were to hear my thoughts right now, I know I'd never hear the end of it.

"_**How could you be so incredibly stupid!?"**_

"_**What is wrong with you????!"**_

"_**I didn't fall in love with an imbecile! So stop pretending you are of subnormal intelligence**_."


	2. Chapter 2

Fiction Rated: M - English - Angst - John S. & Rodney M. - Reviews: 1 - Published: 05-11-07 - Updated: 05-11-07 - id:3533264

Title: Who I use to be

Category: Angst, Slash (MCSHEP) H/C Suicidal thoughts(no actual suicide) WIP

Rating: M

Summary: After an accident, Rodney loses his memories.

Notes:Finally felt like writing. Don't know if i'll continue, just had to write something.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of anything to do with Stargate Atlantis. NO harm meant toward the actors, writers nor the show itself.

!!

A/N: this is depressing, and short just a warning. I haven't really wrote anything in a while. it probably sucks, but whatever.  
DARK, Angst.

John's POV

Time is on my side, yes it is. What a fucking sack of shit! Yes, it is!  
God damn these 27 hours days. The time goes by so slowly since you've been gone. The days have gone into weeks, as the weeks have fallen into months. And months have now fallen into a year and change since the day I lost the love of my life.  
And no one seems to give a fucking shit!  
NO ONE in this god damn fucking place seems to see what is happening right in front of their blind ass  
eyes!  
I am dying.  
My soul is crying for it's mate.  
My heart is torn and in need of major repair.  
Does anyone care?  
"Colonel, we need you here."  
"Colonel, we can not let you go."  
I am so tired, I can't sleep.  
I am so upset, I can't eat.

Let me go, let me be. I need to be on earth with Rodney so I can make him remember me.  
The few times I've spoken to Jeannie, she says that he seems to be getting better a little each day.  
He remembers a few things about his childhood and a few memories seem to focus on Atlantis. "He will space out like a memory is trying to break it's way through: Then within a mere moment, the memory fades and he's left aggravated and his typical Rodney self."  
Hearing that in her last email 4 months ago, gave me such hope, I went straight to Elizabeth to get permission to take some time from Atlantis. She refused.  
I did everything in my power to get on the Daedelus, or through the gate only to be shut down at every corner.  
Even Jeannie's emails have stopped coming through.  
I cornered Zelenka and he told me that he rerouted my emails, per orders from above. I'm not stupid, I know who made those orders.  
Now, I sit here alone in my room and let the tears fall.  
I'm held hostage in a place I once loved and called home...  
But my home is with Rodney McKay: And if he's not with me I don't want to go on.

I walk over to the balcony and lean over the side. Enjoying the beautiful view that once was so heavenly to me. Without Rodney I can't go on.  
"Goodbye my love."  
Swinging my legs over the wall I loosen my grip around the balcony and prepare to fall forward.  
Good bye.

.

.

As I let go to swan dive to my painless future, a strong hand grabs my shirt and pulls me back.  
Anger radiates my face as I see Ronan let me go after I'm on the floor and away from the balcony.

I don't know what it was, the adrenaline, the exhaustion or lack of food but: The last thing I remember hearing before I fell unconscious was Ronan's voice.  
"I told you he needed Mckay. Now will you let him go!"


End file.
